26 A**-Saving Disgrace-Dodging Truths No One Tells You About Tri Training.

26 Tri Training TruthsI’m 26 days from my first 70.3.

And to celebrate the fact that I’ve made it this far without puking, fainting, dying or tapping out, today I decided to have a bit of fun and share 26 A**-Saving Disgrace-Dodging Tri Training Truths No One Tells You. If you’re even THINKING about chasing a tri, consider this a private sneak peek into the underworld of multi-sport madness. (You can thank me later.)


  1. Out of all three sports, you will likely excel at one, loathe another and survive the last.
  2. You’ll think $3k for a bike is the big leagues ‘til you see one that costs $10k.
  3. You become much less modest about how to remove snot, mouth boogers and/or dead bugs from your face.
  4. Do not show up on race day without an open water swim under your belt. You’ll only be asking for a ‘ride of shame’ back to shore in a kayak.
  5. It’s almost better if your training partner IS your life partner… then you’re not hiding credit card receipts and trying to creatively answer, “How much did that cost?!”
  6. A fast + elegant transition is an art form. Practice, practice, practice.
  7. No matter how big, small or well-endowed you are, no one looks good in a competitive swim suit.
  8. The good news is, an undercarriage does toughen. The bad news is, some part of you will always feel like you got hit by a Mack Truck.
  9. Rumor has it some of the elites p*ss and/or crap their pants [on the bike] on race day to save time. Note to self: Never, ever get behind an elite.
  10. Somewhere in the middle of your training cycle you’ll notice you’re showering at the gym more than you are at home. As a bonus, you always reek of chlorine.
  11. Bike pedals cost extra. (WTF.)  
  12. During long training rides it’s totally okay to wail like a b*tch and pep talk your privates.
  13. The two most shocking things about entering open water: 1) When the water seeps through the zipper of your wetsuit and 2) When the water first hits your face. The rest of the time you’re simply chanting, “Please God, just let me survive.”
  14. It’s true… no nudity anytime, anywhere on race day. Depending on whom you ask, that’s either a damn good idea or a cryin’ shame.
  15. Learning to clip in on your bike is the sh*ts. Showing up on race day with plastic kiddie pedals would be worse.
  16. Every time you tug on your wet suit you’ll swear to God, Congress and your Mother you’re going on a diet.
  17. At the beginning of a long ride you’ll think ‘Bring it!’ Somewhere in the middle you’ll think, ‘F* it!’ And by the end you’ll think, ‘Holy crap… I did it!’
  18. Ladies… on event day apply hooha numbing cream BEFORE the open water swim. If necessary, you can stick your hand down your pants in transition to apply more.
  19. You never get over the shock of a bug blasting your face at 45 mph. Be thankful that little sh*t didn’t wind up in your mouth.
  20. You spend 80% of your training schedule thinking, “There is no f*ing way I can do this.” Then one day… it hits you that you WILL.
  21. Drip drying after you pee in the brush isn’t the worst thing that will happen. Honestly, neither is being seen.
  22. If you’re a B cup, you can stuff around 1000 calories in your sports bra. If you’re a DD, I don’t know.
  23. A triathlon is not a modest or dainty endeavor. Be prepared to stink, stink, stink.
  24. Most women wear a tri suit under their wet suit. The snatch-saving pad is about the size of a panty-liner and has perforations so water can seep out quickly when you exit the swim.
  25. It only takes 5 – 10 minutes for your clothes to dry once you’re on the bike. (So no, you’re not riding 56 miles on a dank, yeast-festering pad.)
  26. At the end of the day, the most important purchase you’ll ever make is the saddle. Don’t skimp… you’d hate to have to explain to your soft tissue why you’re a cheap a**.



P.S. I promise I’ll add to this list after Austin… especially if I see someone sh*t their pants. (Ack!) If you have something you’d like to add, come over + chat me up here.

P.S.S. I’m in Casper, Wyoming, this week – if you’re in the area you can find me speaking at the Women’s Expo on Friday. I’d love, love, love to meet you!

P.S.S.S. If you haven’t yet joined my (free) Sole Sisterhood, click here for the deets. (Hey, 1000s of women are all in on living big, why not you?!)

And because some of you have been missing him…

Midas 9.30.14


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