This morning, like every other morning since the marathon, I rolled out of bed at 4:30 a.m. I got up, stumbled zombie-like to my closet and somehow managed to get dressed in what I consider to be a pretty f*ing cute outfit. Then, I methodically made my way to the bathroom where I spent a few minutes performing heroic acts with Colgate and Listerine. Finally, before zooming out the door, I spent 2 or 3 minutes trying to do something respectable with my hair. (Sans brushing it of course.)
I laughed at myself on the way to the gym. Here’s why:
Before becoming a card-carrying gym rat, I ran outside (alone) for years.
And when you start and finish a workout at your front freakin’ door, what you look like rarely factors into the equation. (Am I right?) For example, when it’s zero-dark-thirty and Midas is my sole companion, you can bet your a** you’ll find me sporting some of the rattiest freakin’ sh*t known to man. (True story.) I still brush my chicklets of course, but make no mistake. If you roll up on me at the a** crack you’ll find sleep matted in my eyes and socks that don’t even come close to matching.
When you go to the gym on the other hand… there’s like some super-secret bull sh*t combination for mixing the “I just got out of bed” look with the “Wow, look how f*ing cute I am for just waking up” look. (Am I the only one who thinks about sh*t like this?)
Here’s why it matters: I banged out 10,000 meters on the rowing machine this morning, which gave me ample time to take in the scenery. I usually don’t people watch, but when you’re on your a** for almost an hour, your eyes tend to wander. Anyhoo…
What I saw gave me reason for great pause.
Think sex crazy hair. (It wasn’t mine!) Camel toe in the front. (Holy! Not mine either!) Camel toe in the back. (For crying out loud people, don’t you KNOW when your pants are sneakin’ up your crack?) A girl with her leg in the air and half of her hoo-ha hanging out… another with a run down the back of her way-too-f*ing-tight Richard Simmons work out pants. WTF?
I, for one, can’t sit here quietly and do nothing about these offenses. Short of hosting “How to cover your a** and hooha” classes at the gym, I decided to create:
BK’s 7-Point Personal Inspection Cheat Sheet
Rules and Standards To Live By Before (and During!) Your Time At The Gym
1) Before you leave your house, check your chicklets and your nose hairs for any “that shouldn’t be there” items. If there is matted down, multi-colored sleep in your eyes, get in there and dig it out.
2) After you’re dressed, take a peek “down there” to make sure you’re keeping your secrets, secret.
3) Check the review view mirror. Make sure no article of clothing, (pants, underwear or otherwise), is riding up your crack.
4) Tube socks, regardless of color or stripes, are out. Sport the shorties.
5) If you’re wearing short-shorts, under no circumstances should you lift your leg in the air.
6) You don’t have to comb your hair before we see you. But I guaranfreakintee we will know if you’ve been busy.
7) And finally, if your pantalones, (I.e. Spanish for drawers), have a hole, rip, run, split or tear, they’re out. No exceptions. No one wants to see your rogue body hair, hooha or butt cheek.
There you have it… my 7 point personal inspection cheat sheet. Funny? Yes. Honest? Very. If I missed something, (and you know damn good and well I did!), come over and tell me @ www.Facebook.com/BrooksFirstMarathon.
P.S. I think it takes people years to find just the right amount of “I just got out of bed” to go with “wow, look how f*ing cute I am for just waking up.” But when you do, I’m pretty sure you’re almost guaranteed a leading role in any future remakes of Flashdance, Footloose or Fame.
P.S.S. I had my eyebrows waxed a few days ago. Somehow, she managed to only wax my eyelids. WTF? So if you see me, and you’re wondering, “What’s with the crazy hair under your eyebrows,” now you know.
P.S.S.S. In case you haven’t yet heard…ONWARD! (the book) is now available in print on Amazon. (WOO HOO!) Click here to snag one for you and a sole sister!