There. I said it.
After spending a handful of hours online last week researching new bike seats, (which I learned are called saddles, btw), I’ve come to the conclusion there is some kind of weird, unexplainable, altogether ridiculous conspiracy around writing, typing, whispering, shouting or uttering the word vagina. Why do I think that? Well, seems no one [publicly] is using it. Not me, not the super smart Tri peeps of the planet, not the bike or saddle manufacturers, not the magazines, pro bloggers, elite athletes, the staff at your local bike shop… literally no one.
I can’t help but wonder why. (For cryin’ out loud, every woman I know has one. Which means almost half the world population is rockin’ a vajayjay and we can’t say the freakin’ word?) Is it unsexy? Dirty? Too scientific? Uncomfortable? Too medical? Too stoic? Old-fashioned?
I honestly don’t know. And maybe it doesn’t matter. But here’s why I bring this up:
This past weekend, I drug Black Betty Bam-a-lam back to my local bike shop for two things. The first was to get my big girl pedals installed, (i.e. clip-ins); and two, after last weekend’s hooha slaughter, I promised my privates a new seat.
So I walk into the bike shop and say to the first sales rep I see, “Hey man, I need a new bike seat and I read online that some retailers have a**-o-meters that measure the width and curvature of your sit bones. Do you guys happen to have one?”
Note: A**-o-meter is the manufacturer’s word, not mine. You can tell he was shocked to hear the word a** come out of my mouth. He must not read the blog. Anyhoo…
“No,” he croaks. “We don’t. But if you’re looking for a new saddle, the key is to not buy one that’s too wide or too padded. I think we have a few that might work for you.” So he walks me through their limited selection of women-only saddles. (And by limited, I mean six. They only offer 6 save-your-snatch options.)
We start jammin’ about the benefits of split seats vs. solid. Curved vs. flat. Women’s vs. men’s. A pear vs. a t-shape. Then the conversation rounds the corner and zooms straight into pinching, squeezing, squashing, bruising, aching, soreness and chaffing.
He tells me about a new chamois cream they have that helps prevent unpleasantness in the undercarriage.
Then he proceeds to tell me how to apply it. (With your fingers or directly on the shorts, your choice.)
At the end of his 90 second product application prattle, (which did not include the word vagina), he looks at me, blushing, and says, “How’d I do?”
“Just fine,” I cry, doubling over in a fit of laughter.
I ended up buying the saddle up top. Why? Well, one, because it matches my bike. (Lame, but true.) And two, because it was the most expensive. (I didn’t want to have to explain to my soft tissue why I cut corners, ya know?) I also walked out with a dozen different lube samples — enough to keep my britney happy ’til we know which save-me strategy works.
So… call it a vagina. A vajayjay. A hooha. Privates. Pretty parts. Bits, undercarriage, soft tissue, britney, foo foo, hoo hoo, cupcake, cookie, tutu, kitty, honey pot, cha cha, a hot box, cooch, cooter or vag.
At the end of the day, what we care MOST about is that ours isn’t cryin. (Who’s with me?)
P.S. If you’d have told me a month ago I’d care about any of this sh*t I’d have laughed you out of the room. If there is anything else you think I should know, come chat me up! www.facebook.com/brooksfirstmarathon
P.P.S. Saturday I ran 12.5 miles. I realized yesterday that every Saturday [from now ’til the end of October] all look the same: long run, lunch out, fat nap. On some sick level, I love it.
P.P.S.S. I’ve been trying to remember to shoot video for you every am — it’s ugly as sin, but honest. I call it Onward TV. Here’s what’s been going down behind the scenes:
My Sole Sister Kia posted this picture in my private Sole Success Club with the following:
Hey Brook – I just found this picture from last summer when I was training for my sprint tri- I laid down some cash for my bike as well, my seat was an issue as well, but the guy said they didn’t come any bigger… I took the basket off the front so I would be more aerodynamic – I think it really helped. (Do you think she was making fun of me? lol.)
And finally, have you joined the Sole Sisterhood yet? It’s easy and free… cool part is I’ll also send you some digital running swag to get you off and running on the right foot. Scroll down for deets!